She didn’t think of herself as codependent. She thought she was just being supportive.
Sure, she would stay up all night talking him down after another outburst. She often cancelled her own plans to keep the peace. She quietly absorbed blame that wasn’t hers because after all, “he’s had a hard life.”
It wasn’t until she found herself sobbing in her car outside the supermarket, too drained to go inside, that she realised something was wrong.
I don’t even know who I am anymore, she thought.
This is how it begins for many people, with the slow erosion of self — a creeping exhaustion that comes from constantly caretaking, fixing, and managing the emotional pain of someone else.
And if we trace that pattern back far enough, we almost always find something deeper beneath it: unresolved trauma.
Codependency doesn’t just “happen” in a relationship. It forms through a long-standing pattern of survival, often rooted in childhood trauma, emotional neglect, or chronic unpredictability. The behaviours that once kept us safe: appeasing, over-functioning, and avoiding conflict, slowly become hardwired responses. Eventually, they start dictating how we present ourselves in relationships, often at the expense of ourselves.
Understanding trauma and codependency is about naming the invisible dynamics that have shaped our sense of self — so we can choose something different.
What is Codependency, really?
Codependency is often misunderstood as simply “being too nice” or “loving too much.” But at its core, it’s an unhealthy reliance on others for identity, self-worth, and emotional stability. According to Dr. Shawn Meghan Burn, psychologist and author of Unhealthy Helping, codependency is “a pattern of behaviour in which you find yourself dependent on approval from someone else for your self-worth and identity.”
People with codependent traits may:
- Feel responsible for other people’s emotions or choices
- Have trouble setting or maintaining boundaries
- Avoid conflict to keep the peace
- Find their self-worth from being needed or helpful
- Struggle with saying “no” or expressing personal needs
While these behaviours might look like compassion or loyalty on the surface, they often come from a place of fear: fear of abandonment, rejection, or being “too much.”
Trauma is often the root
So, where does this fear come from?
In many cases, codependency is the adult adaptation to early trauma. Trauma doesn’t always mean abuse. It can be growing up with a parent who was emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, narcissistic, or struggling with addiction. You can be experiencing chronic invalidation, where your feelings weren’t acknowledged. It can even stem from being the “good kid” who was praised for caretaking or for making life easier for others.
The nervous system learns quickly in these situations: if I stay small, if I keep everyone happy, if I don’t ask for too much, then I’m much safer.
Bessel van der Kolk, trauma expert and author of The Body Keeps the Score, notes that early relational trauma teaches us that “we have to suppress our own needs to survive.” That suppression doesn’t go away with age. It just becomes part of who we are and how we relate to others.
In other words, codependency is often a trauma response dressed up as selflessness.
The cycle in action
Let’s look at how this plays out in real life.
You meet someone new. At first, you feel needed, maybe even special. You offer empathy and support.
You feel a strong connection, but over time, your needs begin to disappear from the relationship. You begin managing the other person’s moods, fixing their mistakes, excusing their harmful behaviour, or walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.
Eventually, you feel exhausted, unseen, or resentful, but leaving feels like abandonment. Staying feels like survival.
So you stay. You try harder. And the cycle continues.
It’s conditioning. Trauma wires us for familiarity, not safety. And if chaos, emotional inconsistency, or people-pleasing felt familiar growing up, we may unconsciously recreate those dynamics in adulthood even if (sometimes especially if), they’re painful.
Why it’s so hard to break free
Breaking the trauma-codependency cycle is much more than simply changing the behaviours. It requires deep nervous system repair, inner re-parenting, and a radical shift in how we see ourselves.
For many people, especially those who grew up in dysfunctional homes, love was always conditional. Worth was earned through performance. So the idea of being loved for simply existing — with needs, preferences, and boundaries — feels unfamiliar. Even unsafe.
Add to that the societal conditioning many people (especially women) receive around being “nice,” selfless, or accommodating, and it’s no wonder that codependent traits feel like the only way to be in a relationship.
Dr. Nicole LePera, author of How to Do the Work, explains it this way: “Healing from codependency means learning that we are not responsible for how others feel. It means becoming safe within ourselves, even when others are uncomfortable or disappointed.”
But getting there? That takes time, and it often takes a lot of help.
Camino Recovery’s approach to healing trauma and codependency
At Camino Recovery, we understand that trauma recovery isn’t one-size-fits-all. That’s why our approach encompasses a range of evidence-based therapies and holistic practices, tailored to each individual’s unique history and needs. Many of our clients arrive having tried to “talk their way” out of codependency or trauma with little success. That’s because trauma doesn’t just live in the mind. It lives in the body.
Individual therapy is a central part of each client’s experience here. In these one-on-one sessions, clients have space to slow down and explore the roots of long-standing patterns, beliefs like “I’m only lovable when I’m useful,” or “My needs aren’t important.” This kind of focused, relational work allows clients to develop insight, process past pain, and start responding to life from a place of self-trust rather than old survival strategies.
To support emotional regulation and help clients build new coping tools, we also use Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). CBT helps people identify and shift the thought loops that often drive anxiety, shame, or compulsive caretaking. DBT, on the other hand, focuses on building stress tolerance and stronger boundaries, which is especially helpful for those who find it difficult to say “no” or fear conflict. Together, these approaches offer practical tools for staying present in relationships without losing yourself in them.
We also draw on family therapy since they are often at the heart of codependency. Many clients grew up in households where they had to take on adult roles far too early, like calming an angry parent or absorbing emotions that weren’t theirs. In therapy, clients begin to understand how those early roles shaped the way they relate to others now. And more importantly, they learn how to step into new ones.
Our programme also includes equine-assisted psychotherapy, an experiential therapy that helps clients tune into their emotional responses in real time. Horses are incredibly sensitive to human energy and emotion. This kind of interaction often helps clients notice patterns they weren’t even aware of, like bracing for rejection, freezing under pressure, or struggling to trust themselves.
Whether someone is learning how to regulate their nervous system, process grief, or rebuild a sense of identity, the goal at Camino is always the same: to help people return to themselves. Healing codependency is about coming home to who you are, without fear.
Recovery: It’s sacred
One of the biggest lies codependency tells us is that taking care of ourselves is selfish. That setting a boundary means we don’t care. That saying “no” is unkind.
But the truth is, recovery is reclaiming one’s self. And that self — your self — is worth protecting.
Healthy relationships require two whole people, not one person disappearing to hold the other up. Healing from trauma and codependency allows us to re-enter relationships with clarity and self-respect — rather than obligation or fear.
Recovery also helps us redefine love. Not as something we earn through sacrifice, but something we attain through presence and honesty.
You’re allowed to heal
Codependency isn’t your fault. It’s a map you were given early on, one that helped you survive. But it doesn’t have to be the map you keep following.
Healing is possible. The nervous system can learn safety. Boundaries can become natural. You can learn to sit with discomfort without abandoning yourself — or anyone else.
At Camino Recovery, we honour the complexity of trauma and codependency. We don’t reduce people to their patterns. We see the deeper story — and we help you write a new one.
If you’re ready to understand your story, reconnect with your sense of self, and build relationships that don’t cost your identity, contact us today. We’re here to walk that road with you.
You don’t have to do it alone.
References:
- Burn, S. M. (2015). Unhealthy Helping: A Psychological Guide to Overcoming Codependence, Enabling, and Other Dysfunctional Giving.
- Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.
- LePera, N. (2021). How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self.
