When someone you care about is battling addiction, it’s like watching a mix of a blend of a hurricane and tornado wreck their entire life.
You’re filled with a mix of fear, frustration, and helplessness.
You want to help, but you don’t know how.
But with the right knowledge and approach, you can help. You can make a significant difference in your loved one’s path to recovery.
Supporting a loved one in recovery can be challenging, to say the least. But it’s also highly rewarding. It takes understanding, patience, and a lot of willingness to learn about the complexities of addiction and recovery.
Having been both the one in addiction and one who has helped others in addiction, I want to share some of the insights I’ve gained, hoping they can provide some guidance and comfort to others facing the same struggles.
Understanding Addiction (the Best You Can)
Since I spent years of my life in active addiction, it’s easier for me to understand it than it is for someone who hasn’t been there. When I see well-meaning people who have never struggled with addiction try to help someone in active addiction, the first thing I tell them is to do their best to understand how addiction works. You must first understand what you’re dealing with.
Addiction is a chronic disease that compels people to seek and use substances despite the harmful consequences. It profoundly affects brain function and behaviour, leading to an inability to control substance use.
Understanding that addiction is a disease, not a moral failing, is a crucial first step. This perspective shift can help reduce stigma and promote empathy, both of which are essential for supporting loved ones in addiction. Addiction isn’t about the lack of willpower. It’s a serious medical condition that needs treatment.
Educate Yourself as Much as You Can
They say “knowledge is power,” and simply educating yourself about addiction can be one of the most supportive steps you can take. There are countless resources available, including books, articles, and support groups that can provide valuable insights into the nature of addiction and the recovery process.
Two resources that have been particularly helpful for me are the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book and the book Living Sober. The Big Book is a foundational book that outlines the 12-step program for overcoming alcoholism. Living Sober offers practical advice on staying away from the first drink and navigating the early stages of sobriety. Understanding these strategies equips you to support your loved one better and helps you empathise with the immense challenges they face daily.
Communicate Clearly and Honestly
The cornerstone of any supportive relationship? Open and honest communication. While this can be difficult for a loved one in addiction, you as a supporter can maintain open lines of communication. Let your loved one talk about their struggles, fears, and the types of support they need. More importantly, practice listening without judgement.
Approaching these conversations with empathy and without judgement is vital. Your loved one needs to feel emotionally safe, and if they don’t, you can expect they won’t be honest with you. Express your support and love, and let them know that you are there for them, no matter what.
Set and Enforce Boundaries
While it’s important to support your loved one, part of supporting them is protecting yourself through boundaries. Be aware of codependency, where you become so involved in your loved one’s recovery that you neglect your own needs. It’s a common trap.
Let me interject something here as someone who has been on both sides of this. In my addiction, when someone would set boundaries with me, I would become upset and convince myself that they no longer cared about me. This is a normal reaction from someone in addiction. They are not thinking clearly and they cannot see the big picture. Do not let someone’s potential negative emotions make you second guess your boundaries.
Establish clear boundaries about what you can and cannot do. For example, you may decide not to provide money if you suspect it will be used for substances. Communicate these boundaries clearly and then stick to them. So often, people set the boundaries but don’t enforce them, which just causes further problems. Consistency is key here.
Encourage Professional Help
Recovery is complicated and often needs professional intervention. Encourage your loved one to seek treatment from qualified professionals, such as therapists or addiction specialists. Support their attendance at recovery meetings, such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA).
Professional help provides the tools needed for successful recovery. Personally, I had many well-meaning people in my life who tried to help me, but it wasn’t until I sought and received professional help that I really began recovery. Also, it was my loved ones who pushed me to seek professional help, and even though this “tough love” upset me at the time, getting professional help ultimately saved my life.
Be Patient
Recovery is a long and often difficult journey. It is never a linear process. There are good days, bad days, and all sorts of days in between. While taxing at times, try to remain patient throughout the process. Relapses can happen, but they don’t mean failure. They should be seen as opportunities for learning and growth. I call my relapses “research opportunities.” I am glad I can laugh about it today, but they were painful, and I am glad for those who supported me through them.
Celebrate the small victories and milestones in your loved one’s sobriety. Acknowledge their progress and how far they’ve come. I have found that celebrating even the smallest achievements, (Like, I made it through the grocery store without buying alcohol!) helped keep my spirits high and reinforced my progress.
Take Care of Yourself First
Supporting a loved one in recovery can be emotionally draining. It is essential to take care of yourself first. You cannot help someone else if your own mental, emotional, and physical needs are not met. Make sure you have your own support system, whether it’s friends, family, or a therapist.
Practice self-care continuously. Pursue activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Exercise, mindfulness, and spending time with others can help you recharge. Today, I am active in my recovery circles, but I need to remember to take care of myself. For me, this means daily journaling, meditating, exercising, and connecting with others in recovery. Remember that you can’t give what you do not have.
Avoid Enabling Behaviours
Enabling behaviours are those that inadvertently support your loved one’s addiction. These may include giving them money, lying to cover up their behaviour, or minimising their addiction. These actions may seem helpful in the short term, but they hinder recovery.
I had friends who wanted to make me feel better, so they tried to ignore my addiction. They likely didn’t want to say much because it was “hard to talk about.” Then, I had other people in my life who said, “You need to get help, or else I can’t be in your life.” Can you guess which friends were more effective in getting me help? The last group. Did I get upset with them at the time? You bet. Did I see the bigger picture after I got sober and understand why they refused to enable me? Absolutely.
Practice Empathy and Compassion
Empathy and compassion are crucial when supporting a loved one in recovery. Addiction often stems from deep-seated emotional pain, trauma, or mental health issues. There is also a complex interplay of genetics, personality, and predisposition. Understanding that your loved one never chose to be addicted will help you approach the situation with kindness and patience.
Avoid blaming or shaming them for their addiction. Avoid passive-aggressive comments. Instead, focus on their strengths and the progress they are making. Show them that you believe in their ability to recover and lead a fulfilling life.
Join a Support Group
You, as a supporter, need your own support group. Groups like Al-Anon are invaluable at offering a safe space to share your experiences, learn from others, and gain support. Connecting with others who understand what you’re going through can be a source of comfort and strength. Simply knowing you’re not alone is a game changer.
Of course, I have my own support group for my recovery, and at this point, I don’t know how I could do life without them! I also have been to support groups for helping others in recovery, which has opened my eyes to the other side of addiction. While in addiction, we honestly do not realise how we are impacting others. It isn’t until we are sober for a while that we can begin to see how our addiction impacted not only us but everyone around us.
A Recap: Moving Forward Together
Supporting a loved one in recovery isn’t for the weak. It requires understanding, patience, and unwavering support. Above all, take care of yourself first and seek help when needed. Recovery is a collective effort, and with a few tools (educating yourself, communicating openly, setting boundaries), you are well on your way to help your loved one build a healthier life.
Today, I consider myself lucky to have had the ones in my life who did not enable me and pushed me to get the help I need. I have now been sober over five years, and if it weren’t for those people, I would not be where I am today. When I am working with others who are getting sober, I always remember that I must take care of my own recovery first or else I am ineffective to them. Self-care is vital!
Camino Recovery is Here to Help
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, don’t wait to seek help. Contact us at Camino Recovery today. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to give you the support and resources you need to navigate recovery.
Learn more about our comprehensive treatment programs and support services. Together, we can make a difference. Remember, that you are not alone.
