Written by Renee W.
When I was deep in my alcohol addiction, I avoided everything and everyone. Addiction naturally separates you from reality and the world around you.
After I got sober, I still had those same instincts: to avoid people, relationships, and conflict. I didn’t know how to have relationships that weren’t toxic and based on lies. I didn’t know if I even wanted to. I became a people pleaser and would just naturally adapt myself to whatever situation I was in.
After a few years in 12-step meetings, I knew what I heard: courage and facing things head-on. I understood these concepts theoretically, but emotionally, I still ran away. I avoided difficult situations. I avoided certain people. I avoided memories that hurt too much. And I definitely avoided the quiet times when uncomfortable feelings tried to take over.
My life looked stable, though. I had my routines, and they were healthy ones. I became a “morning person” and showed up where I was supposed to be on time. I carried out my roles. I was functioning.
Inside, though, I was still pretty miserable. Now, I can see why. Avoidance was quietly running the show.
That’s the tricky thing about avoidance. It doesn’t feel like self-sabotage. Most of the time it feels practical, even protective. Your mind tells you, Let’s just not deal with that right now.
The problem is, when we keep pushing things away long enough, what we avoid begins to shape our lives far more than what we face.
Why avoidance feels so natural
Avoidance is simply a defence mechanism.
Our nervous systems are smart. They are wired to protect us from perceived threats. When something feels overwhelming, whether it’s conflict, shame, grief, or uncertainty, the brain often responds by trying to protect us from the discomfort as quickly as possible (Wang et. al., 2024).
Psychologists sometimes refer to this as experiential avoidance, which is when we push away thoughts, feelings, memories, or situations that feel uncomfortable or painful.
In the short term, it works. We get relief. Every time we avoid something difficult and feel a little bit better afterwards, our brain learns a lesson: That worked. Do it again.
Over time, avoidance becomes automatic.
Instead of feeling our feelings, we distract ourselves. Instead of having honest conversations, we either step away from the conversation or change the subject. We spend our time busy, productive, or helpful.
The behaviour looks responsible, but underneath it, there is fear, and that fear is in charge.
Sobriety doesn’t automatically end avoidance
Some people assume that once someone stops using substances, the deeper work immediately begins. At least that’s what I assumed. I thought my progress to becoming mentally and emotionally healthy would happen quicker than it did.
The reality is that sobriety exposes how many other ways we’ve learned to avoid pain. Alcohol and drugs are used to numb anxiety and sadness. When the substances are gone, the mind then looks for other escape routes.
Sometimes it’s overworking and busyness. Sometimes it’s perfectionism, people-pleasing, or staying emotionally guarded. Other times, it’s withdrawing from relationships altogether.
For me, avoidance looked like distance.
I kept people at arm’s length. I told people what I thought they wanted to hear in order to “keep the peace.” I avoided vulnerability. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. It was so natural. I was protecting myself from feelings and things that I wasn’t ready to feel and didn’t know how to handle.
Avoidance can look like control and independence. It can also look like strength. But if we’re honest, avoidance shrinks our lives around structuring our days around what we don’t want to feel.
When avoidance starts running your life
The problem with avoiding people, conflict, and painful feelings is that it doesn’t resolve anything. It just delays the time when we’ll have to face it.
And the longer something sits unresolved, the more power it gains.
Avoidance slowly narrowed my world. I stopped going to certain places. I stopped having conversations. It seemed as if the only “safe” topics were the weather and sports. I stayed silent about things that actually mattered to me.
Research has consistently found that avoidance-based coping strategies are linked to anxiety and depression (Holahan et. al., 2005). What starts as a way to protect ourselves becomes a trap. You might notice this pattern in small ways:
You avoid checking your bank account because you’re scared of what you’ll see.
You avoid talking about a relationship problem because you fear conflict.
You refuse to think about a painful memory because it feels too heavy.
Collectively, these avoidance patterns begin to shape the boundaries of your life. And those boundaries can get smaller without you even realising it.
The cost of running from yourself
One of the hardest truths in life: the things we avoid don’t disappear.
They wait.
Sometimes they wait for months or even years, but they are never actually gone. Avoided grief becomes emotional numbness. Avoided anger becomes resentment. Avoided fear is worse because it turns into anxiety that shows up when you least expect it.
This is why many people feel emotional pain even years after getting sober. They may not be drinking or using, but the emotions that were numbed for so long still need somewhere to go.
The work in recovery is much more than removing alcohol and drugs. It’s learning how to stay present with ourselves, and this takes practice. And often, it takes patience with the parts of us that learned how to survive through avoidance in the first place.
Step one is recognising your avoidance patterns
The first step in changing avoidance is to learn to recognise it. It can be sneaky and hides behind reasonable explanations:
- “I’m just tired.”
- “Now isn’t a good time.”
- “It’s not a big deal.”
Those statements may be true, but usually they are signals that something deeper is being pushed away.
You might notice avoidance showing up as:
- Constant busyness
- Procrastinating difficult decisions
- Withdrawing emotionally from relationships
- Controlling situations out of fear and anxiety
- Numbing feelings through work, exercise, or distractions.
Some of these patterns sound healthy, like exercise. I went through a phase where all I wanted to do was exercise because it took me somewhere in my mind other than the present. If we are honest, though, we can often sense the difference between healthy boundaries and avoidance.
One expands our lives. The other limits them.
Learning to face what feels uncomfortable
If avoidance has been a long-time defence mechanism, it takes time to reverse it. The goal is not to force ourselves into being emotionally overwhelmed. The goal is to gradually build the capacity to stay present through uncomfortable feelings.
It starts with small steps.
Instead of running away from a difficult feeling, we pause and notice it.
Instead of immediately distracting ourselves, we ask a simple question: What am I actually feeling right now?
Becoming curious and non-judgemental towards ourselves is the key. It interrupts the automatic avoidance cycle. Over time, we begin to realise something important: emotions are not as dangerous as we once believed.
They rise. They move. Then, they pass.
Practices like mindfulness, individual therapy, and journaling can be wonderful, as they help create safe spaces to explore our feelings and experiences.
In recovery communities, people often describe this as learning to “sit with” emotions rather than escaping them. It’s deeply freeing to get to that point.
Going forward
Learning how to sit with my life is one of the most amazing parts of my recovery.
Recovery slowly taught me that there is no safety in running away from painful emotions. Safety comes from building the strength to move through discomfort. The things we avoid often hold valuable information about what we still need to heal, process, or confront.
Facing them with the help of therapists, recovery communities, and supportive relationships can be the most freeing thing you will ever experience. I know it was for me.
Camino Recovery is here for you
If you recognise yourself in the avoidance pattern, you are not alone. It’s a deeply human response to pain. Most people who start recovery see that they spent years running from things. Healing is possible when we begin turning toward those experiences with compassion instead of fear.
At Camino Recovery, we know that recovery is not just about stopping destructive behaviours. It’s about learning how to live honestly with yourself.
You can move forward. Our therapy and recovery programmes can provide the safe space needed to begin facing what once felt impossible.
Contact us today to see what we offer. You aren’t alone.
References:
- Holahan, C. J., Moos, R. H., Holahan, C. K., Brennan, P. L., & Schutte, K. K. (2005). Stress generation, avoidance coping, and depressive symptoms: a 10-year model. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology, 73(4), 658–666. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.73.4.658
- Wang, Y., Tian, J., & Yang, Q. (2024). Experiential Avoidance Process Model: A Review of the Mechanism for the Generation and Maintenance of Avoidance Behavior. Psychiatry and clinical psychopharmacology, 34(2), 179–190. https://doi.org/10.5152/pcp.2024.23777
